Language skills: When is the best time to ask’why’?

Learning language skills can be so powerful. I can’t over-emphasise the importance of using the right word in the right situation. Asking the right questions, giving feedback, maintaining rapport—these are all incredibly valuable skills that will make day-to-day interactions smoother, more amicable, and more effective.

There is so much to learn and so many things to think about that nobody is ever going to be a perfect communicator. I am still learning new language skills myself, and just knowing them isn’t enough. You have to develop the habits to use them.

Take the question ‘why’, for example…

Why Is ‘Why’ So Important?

Knowledge is power. Understanding others is the first step to improving relationships and communicating more effectively. So the question ‘why’ seems like an important one to ask. In fact whole books have been written on the subject.

Imagine these scenarios:

• You’re sitting in a café with a friend. She suddenly slams her coffee cup on the table, spilling it everywhere, gets up, and storms out, muttering under her breath. Why did she do that?
• It’s the end of your shift at work. Your colleague is ten minutes late to relieve you. You’re tired, frustrated, and want to go home. Why were they late?

Seems like a reasonable question, right? But here’s the problem…

The Hidden Danger of ‘Why’

The word ‘why’ can be very emotional. When someone asks you why you did something—or why you didn’t—it can feel like a challenge, a demand for justification. The question can be loaded with accusation. Not always, but there’s always a risk.

Think of how these questions might feel:

• Why did you say that?
• Why do you never listen?
• Why haven’t you done it yet?

Ouch. Feels like an interrogation, doesn’t it?

Even if you ask Why did you leave so suddenly? your friend might feel defensive. Their answer might be, Because I wanted to! What’s it to you?—rather than giving you any real insight.

A Better Way: Choosing Your Words Carefully

If you feel the need to ask ‘why’, try a different question:

• What made you do that?
• How did you come to that decision?
• What stopped you?
• What happened?

These questions are less confrontational and encourage a more thoughtful, rational response. They shift the focus from blame to understanding.

For example:

• Why were you late? → triggers excuses or blame (The traffic was awful!)
• What made you late? → encourages analysis (I didn’t leave early enough; I should check the route next time.)

Small shift, big difference.

When ‘Why’ Is the Right Choice

Of course, ‘why’ isn’t always bad. Sometimes, deliberately triggering an emotional response can be useful.

For example, if you’re coaching someone or exploring deep-seated beliefs, ‘why’ can be powerful:

• Why do you believe that?
• Why does that matter so much to you?

This can help someone uncover hidden motivations or challenge their own thinking. However, it’s best used in a setting where there is already trust and rapport.

And yes, sometimes you want confrontation. If you’re dealing with someone who needs to justify an unreasonable action, ‘why’ can push them into revealing their real motives.

Mastering Language Skills for Better Conversations

There are very few words that are never okay—it’s about choosing the best ones for the situation. Being mindful of how language affects people is a crucial part of communication, and refining your language skills will make your interactions more productive and positive.

So next time you’re about to ask ‘why’, pause for a second. Could another question get you a better answer? If so, choose your words wisely—and watch how much smoother your conversations become.

I wonder how many other ways you can improve your communication and be more effective with others.